More Wonders of the Online Dating World, and Why I Want to be Iggy Azalea When I Grow Up

So after my recent encounter with Crazy Internet Mike, I’ve decided I might need to take a break from scouring the internet for love.  However, my stint in the world of online dating was surprisingly educational–I learned you can really tell a lot about a person based on how they present themselves in pictures and a write-up.  I wanted to share some of my insight gained for picking out ‘winners’ (and by winners I mean dudes I wouldn’t come within a 10 mile radius of):

1. The bitter, scorned guy who is going to outline EVERY. SINGLE. THING. YOU. MUST. BE. Example: “I’m tired of playing games with immature girls.  I’m looking for someone who must conduct herself like a mature woman in public (I guess I’m screwed on this one!).  She needs to be fit because I lead an active lifestyle (So you mean we CAN’T eat Cheetos together on the couch while watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians?).  She needs to be intelligent and know how to be herself because if a girl is beautiful with no personality that is a NO in my book (chances are “intelligent” here really means, “Must be able to string a sentence together”)!!  She should be able to go out and have a good time but also be able to spend quality down-time together.  I’m sorry if you can’t handle a guy who will open doors and pull out chairs and treat you like a lady!” (Because I’m looking for someone who treats me like crap??)

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Better idea: This just reeks of angry man syndrome.  Instead of making readers feel like you’re on your man-period (and this goes for the ladies, too), why not just talk about YOURSELF and what YOU are interested in/likes/dislikes?  That way readers get a chance to learn a little about you and figure out if you have common interests.  If someone messages you and you’re not interested in them, you don’t have to respond.

2. The guy with women in his pictures.  That aren’t family members.  Dude, you’re on a DATING site.  Your marketing strategy sucks.  I don’t care about your “best friend!”  There’s a song about that, you know, that one by Biz Markie?

3. Gym Selfies.  I’m not even going to elaborate on this one.

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#STOPWITHTHEF*@!INGHASHTAGS!!!!!

More fail gym selfies here.

4. The “I Want to Be a Model!” pictures.  Tyra might approve.  I don’t.

5. Mug-shot/intense-eye selfies.  Oh hey Ted Bundy, I see you over there.

6. Excessive shirtless photos.  I know you love you.  I don’t love you.

7. The guy who messages you his number in the first message and tells you to give him a call.  Uhh…for real?? You are really using that strategy?  First of all, gross.  But lolz, thanks for the information random person!  Now I’m going to use your cell number to find out whatever I can about you and potentially catfish you and/or get more of your information so I can hack into your accounts and get myself a credit card in your name.  Because we trust EVERYONE we meet on the internet!

8. The guy who keeps messaging you.  Over. And. Over. Again.  I’m sorry, I wasn’t interested.  I’m not going to be interested the 10th time you send me a message.

9. People who message you “Hi.”  Just, “Hi.”  

Those are some of my big observations so far, would love to hear if anyone else has their own guidelines.  And although this is from the girl-looking-for-guy perspective, the same rules can apply to women as well.  All in all, the internet continues to prove to be awesome.

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All right, besides the wonderful world of love on the inter web, I have a serious topic to discuss.  I WANT TO BE IGGY AZALEA.  For a long time, I thought I was the only white girl who had a penchant for rapping; here, my life is reflected in Meet the Millers:

But then comes along Iggy Azalea, who is now a beacon for white-girl rappers everywhere.  If I could sum up how I feel about Iggy Azalea it would be like this:

Now, there has been a lot of flack going around because Iggy Azalea manufactures an American accent for when she raps, but let’s be honest–wouldn’t it sound sillier if she was rapping with an AUSTRALIAN accent??  Some other reasons why she’s fantastic include constant repeating/spelling of her name (I-G-G-Y, in case you forgot), reminding us that she’s still in “the Murda Bizness,” and paying homage to the amazing fashion from Clueless in her “Fancy” video.

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Who that, who that, I-G-G-Y

So I now have a pretty solid life goal set there.  Oh hey look–I think I just found an online dating site worth checking out!

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-KP out

It’s Not You, It’s Them. Yes, It’s Definitely Them.

Guess who’s back?  That’s right, it’s taken me a good while to get my life together out here in beautiful Hawaii but KP is finally back and writing.  These past seven months have been incredibly trying, and I’ve learned quite a bit about myself.  In summary:

1. My 12 week program was a crash-and-burn once I hit Hawaii.  First 6 weeks were great, but life lesson learned: don’t enter into an extensive diet/exercise/fitness program that requires long workouts, very low calorie meals, and very limited foods while in a transition phase.  It simply doesn’t work.  You need to be in a set routine for it to be effective.  Moving is not the best time to do this.

2. New jobs can cause unique stresses.

3. People are stupid.

That’s right people, for tonight’s installment of whatever-I-feel-like-writing-about, I bring you, KP’S DATE FROM HEEEEELLLL!!!!  Cue Vincent Price entrance with appropriately creepy theme-song!  I was pretty miserable over the breakup of my relationship for quite a long time, and I blamed myself for its failure.  However, it took a recent experience to really open my eyes to this fact: It’s not you, it’s them.

Recently, I went out with this guy I met online.  Now, I don’t want to knock online dating because I know some people who it’s really worked out for.  However, I automatically assume everyone on the internet is cat-phishing or a serial killer.  YOU DON’T KNOW WHO IS SITTING ON THE OTHER END OF THAT COMPUTER.  End of story.  Well, I met Mike, and he seemed like your run-of-the-mill-weirdo that you find online.  Okay, cool.  Great, it’s going to be true love.  I tell Mike we can meet for coffee, because I need a quick exit in case he’s 30 lbs heavier in person, or you know, he tells me he fantasizes about wearing my skin or something like that (ala Buffalo Bill).

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Anyway, we meet, and he’s pretty weird in person, too, but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and not be overly judgmental (note: if you get the feeling in your gut something’s up, you’re probably right).  Mike made a pretty big mistake (well, he made a few big mistakes) on date #1: he didn’t ask for my last name to put in his phone when he got my number.  That automatically alerts me that something’s up.  Like, don’t you want to know who I am?? I could have a criminal record or I could be a crazy internet stalker (cue overly-enthusiastic Justin Bieber fan girl).

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I should’ve asked for his right then and there, but I wasn’t sure if maybe these days asking for a last name is like, a major milestone in a relationship?  You know, somewhere after the decision to be monogamous, but before you’re boyfriend/girlfriend?  I have no idea.  So then Mike begins the text-a-thon.  Gentlemen: DON’T TEXT GOOD MORNING AFTER THE FIRST DATE.  IT’S CREEPY!!!  Like, whoa give the person a chance to breathe!  This guy was all kinds of up-in-my grill.  Also, STOP. ASKING. WHAT. I’M. DOING. EVERY. FIVE. MINUTES.  “Whatcha doin’?”  I’M SITTING HERE WATCHING FORENSIC FILES PICKING MY NOSE AND THIS IS HOW I’M GOING TO REMAIN FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT SO JUST STOP.  His attempts to get me to come over were pretty transparent, so what do you do with a creeper who is trying to creep?  You creep on back!  Example:

Mike: “You’re so beautiful and intelligent.”

Me: “Aww, I’ll bet you say that to all the girls you meet on the internet.”

Mike: “Too bad you’re all the way over in (town name here), all by yourself and scared.”

Me: “Nah, I’m not scared.  I got my discount ginsu knives for protection.  I’m also thinking about investing in some brass knuckles.”

Still, I wanted to give him one more chance.  So we agreed to meet for dinner.  And I had a nice time, he was slightly less weird, but still weird.  He had this thing about infidelity, saying how he was very anti-infidelity.  Well, I don’t know if there’s this weird human thing where people like to think that the more they say something, it must be true (even if it really isn’t).  Kind of like if you know you’re not really a good singer, the louder you sing you think you can fool people into thinking you’re actually a good singer?  So I’m pretty suspicious, and I ask for his last name.  HE STILL DOESN’T ASK FOR MINE.  RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG.  So the date comes to an end and we say our goodbyes, he says he thinks we should go hiking on Saturday.  Okay, Mike.  Sounds great, will the third date be the charm for when you finally ask for my last name and don’t make me feel like just a name in your creepy phonebook of first names?  I get home and immediately commence appropriate google and Facebook stalking.  Sure enough, he comes up.  No criminal record, okay, check.  However, his Facebook profile picture is definitely of him and another girl, holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes lovingly.  I find her name and click on it, and her profile picture is of the two of them.  I’m not even mad, I’m honestly  laughing at this point.  Like, are people THAT STUPID?  So I text him what’s up, and he proceeds to tell me they broke off the engagement “well over a month ago,” except not, because, thanks Facebook for date and time stamps, because less than a month ago he writes, “So happy I’ve found the love of my life!”  WHAT.  WHAT.  CUE ALL WHITE GIRLS HERE AND LET’S GET A COLLECTIVE: I CAN’T EVEN.  

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He told me he couldn’t prove that their engagement was off and that contacting her to change things “would just cause more problems.”   Riiiiiiiiiiight.  Because what female in her right mind would keep a profile picture up of your stupid ass if she broke off an engagement with you AND broke up with you?  Just for shits and giggles?  Hey everyone, remember the time I almost married THAT asshole?  Yeah me, too!  Hold on, let me constantly remind myself of how much he sucked by keeping our picture up!  LOLS!!!

Needless to say, Mike and I did not go hiking, and he still doesn’t know my last name (thankfully).

Moral of the story (well, there are a few):

1. The internet is f*cking WEIRD.

2. Gentlemen: if you want to be shady and have a jump-off or a side dish, for god’s sake change the professionally done engagement photo profile picture of you and her.

3. Most importantly: IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S THEM.  IT’S DEFINITELY THEM.  How someone can sit across from you at a dinner table and tell you they have issues with infidelity and then you find out they’re married/engaged/in a serious relationship–IT’S 100% THEM!!!  They’re nuts!!!  

People, look up Occam’s Razor, in the most basic sense it’s a way of deciding between theories–basically the path of least resistance is usually the right one, or whichever way causes less assumptions is usually the truth.  So I could assume this guy is just a cheater and lying.  Or I could assume that he “doesn’t really use his Facebook and just kept up the profile picture because he didn’t really give a crap” and I could just assume that the reason HER profile picture is still of them post-engagment/relationship breakup is because she’s dead or abducted by aliens or converted to the Amish faith and believes the internet will steal her soul so she doesn’t use a computer anymore and it’s the 2nd Tuesday of the month which means half-off on Tacos at the Taco Shack down the road.  Ooooooookaaaaaaaaayy!

As silly as this whole thing was, it made me realize, my ex was going to treat me badly regardless of how pretty/intelligent/unique/whatever I was.  People will treat you how they treat you based on their own selfish desires.   It has NOTHING to do with you, so if someone isn’t treating you how you feel you deserve to be treated (with respect, love, and dignity), LEAVE THEIR SORRY ASS!!

 

-KP out!