So after my recent encounter with Crazy Internet Mike, I’ve decided I might need to take a break from scouring the internet for love. However, my stint in the world of online dating was surprisingly educational–I learned you can really tell a lot about a person based on how they present themselves in pictures and a write-up. I wanted to share some of my insight gained for picking out ‘winners’ (and by winners I mean dudes I wouldn’t come within a 10 mile radius of):
1. The bitter, scorned guy who is going to outline EVERY. SINGLE. THING. YOU. MUST. BE. Example: “I’m tired of playing games with immature girls. I’m looking for someone who must conduct herself like a mature woman in public (I guess I’m screwed on this one!). She needs to be fit because I lead an active lifestyle (So you mean we CAN’T eat Cheetos together on the couch while watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians?). She needs to be intelligent and know how to be herself because if a girl is beautiful with no personality that is a NO in my book (chances are “intelligent” here really means, “Must be able to string a sentence together”)!! She should be able to go out and have a good time but also be able to spend quality down-time together. I’m sorry if you can’t handle a guy who will open doors and pull out chairs and treat you like a lady!” (Because I’m looking for someone who treats me like crap??)
Better idea: This just reeks of angry man syndrome. Instead of making readers feel like you’re on your man-period (and this goes for the ladies, too), why not just talk about YOURSELF and what YOU are interested in/likes/dislikes? That way readers get a chance to learn a little about you and figure out if you have common interests. If someone messages you and you’re not interested in them, you don’t have to respond.
2. The guy with women in his pictures. That aren’t family members. Dude, you’re on a DATING site. Your marketing strategy sucks. I don’t care about your “best friend!” There’s a song about that, you know, that one by Biz Markie?
3. Gym Selfies. I’m not even going to elaborate on this one.
4. The “I Want to Be a Model!” pictures. Tyra might approve. I don’t.
5. Mug-shot/intense-eye selfies. Oh hey Ted Bundy, I see you over there.
6. Excessive shirtless photos. I know you love you. I don’t love you.
7. The guy who messages you his number in the first message and tells you to give him a call. Uhh…for real?? You are really using that strategy? First of all, gross. But lolz, thanks for the information random person! Now I’m going to use your cell number to find out whatever I can about you and potentially catfish you and/or get more of your information so I can hack into your accounts and get myself a credit card in your name. Because we trust EVERYONE we meet on the internet!
8. The guy who keeps messaging you. Over. And. Over. Again. I’m sorry, I wasn’t interested. I’m not going to be interested the 10th time you send me a message.
9. People who message you “Hi.” Just, “Hi.”
Those are some of my big observations so far, would love to hear if anyone else has their own guidelines. And although this is from the girl-looking-for-guy perspective, the same rules can apply to women as well. All in all, the internet continues to prove to be awesome.
All right, besides the wonderful world of love on the inter web, I have a serious topic to discuss. I WANT TO BE IGGY AZALEA. For a long time, I thought I was the only white girl who had a penchant for rapping; here, my life is reflected in Meet the Millers:
But then comes along Iggy Azalea, who is now a beacon for white-girl rappers everywhere. If I could sum up how I feel about Iggy Azalea it would be like this:
Now, there has been a lot of flack going around because Iggy Azalea manufactures an American accent for when she raps, but let’s be honest–wouldn’t it sound sillier if she was rapping with an AUSTRALIAN accent?? Some other reasons why she’s fantastic include constant repeating/spelling of her name (I-G-G-Y, in case you forgot), reminding us that she’s still in “the Murda Bizness,” and paying homage to the amazing fashion from Clueless in her “Fancy” video.
Who that, who that, I-G-G-Y
So I now have a pretty solid life goal set there. Oh hey look–I think I just found an online dating site worth checking out!