A Prayer For the Human

Dear god,

Please allow me to be the best human I can be today, and please grant me the knowledge to understand and accept the limitations of my small and unimpressive existence, so that I might use these tiny moments in the best way possible before my share of time is over.

-With Love,

KP

When There Is No Closure.

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Hello, all.  In the wake of recent events, KP has decided to take a break from social media (for my Facebook friends and followers, I will be back), and focus on her writing and offline life. Very recently, a relationship/friendship ended very abruptly; and in its aftermath I am trying to put some of the pieces back together.  It’s almost like an arm or a leg was cut off, and I’m feeling the effects of phantom-limb-syndrome.  For those who know the feeling all too well (and for those who don’t), it runs along the lines of: They were just there!  We were talking and communicating and suddenly they decided they didn’t want me in their life anymore!  What did I do?  What wasn’t “enough” about me for them?  Was I not kind/considerate/attractive/Christian/insert-adjective-of-choice-here-enough for them?  How are they just gone?  What happened? I have done things in my life I am not proud of; and I can remember just about every major incident where I was a really shitty person.  However, when it has come to really cultivating friendships and relationships were I believed there was potential, I don’t believe I have ever done an emotional 180 on someone, and so I can’t identify with that modus operandi.  

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Back in 2011, I began Kinpatsu Oneesan as a travel blog, but over time it has evolved to include satire, humor, opinions, and personal experiences and observations.  Even if writing only remains a lifelong hobby, I believe that in order to become a better writer, we have to share what we know to be true so we can connect with others.  Part of this is sharing our failures…and part is sharing the journey to healing.  And sometimes, you know, I’ll hear the right voice in my heart, the voice toward the path of healing and growth, but the voices of self-doubt just as readily creep in (especially in the early stages of grief), and I think getting these words down is part of the path.  Kind of like, “Fake it ’til you make it.”  Even if I don’t 100% believe it just yet, I know it’s the truth and the right way and if I just go over it again and again and constantly re-affirm it, I will eventually believe it fully.  And maybe there are some people who are hurting in the same way in this world, and maybe they can identify and/or find solace in these words.

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For my readers who have been left hurt, confused, and damaged by people who were too self-absorbed/thought they were entitled to behave in thoughtless and careless behavior, although maybe now these words can not alleviate the heartache they have dealt, know this: YOU ARE ENOUGH.

I know what it feels like to wait for a phone call that never comes, an apology that is never given.  To desire closure when there is none.

I know what it is like to be ignored; like an annoying itch or some minor nuisance.  To be degraded down to that by another human is awful and perhaps one of the greatest blows to the Ego.  “If I just ignore them, maybe they’ll just get the hint and go away.”  Or, “If I can nitpick them and continue to find as many flaws as I can, I can convince myself they’re all wrong and get the hell out of this.  I can shirk the responsibility of dealing with the realities of this relationship in a healthy, adult manner and just project my own emotional issues and self-loathing onto this person.”  This is cruel and belittling, especially by one who has professed to be a friend and has gained our trust and confidence in that they supposedly care about us and our lives and feelings.  For some people, this can turn into emotional abuse.

None of this is about us, which is so hard to accept, right?  When you hear people say, “Don’t take it personally!” it’s like, “Are you kidding me?  This is a relationship/friendship/family tie–how much more f*%king personal does it get?!”

But it’s still not about us.  How other people treat us is a reflection of who they are.  Ignoring, not communicating, the vanishing act, etc., are actions indicative of people who have respect issues.  Remember, you are a living, breathing, thinking, feeling human being.  Not a novelty toy.  Not something hat gets discarded when its initial shine has worn off. And so, for all of those who have had a friend/significant other/family member just disengage, here is your closure: Selfish people take selfish actions.

*** images Oftentimes, there is no ill-will or malice involved with these flip-floppers, but there’s also no ownership of actions either.  They most likely have issues they are dealing with, but that’s NOT AN EXCUSE to make others emotional collateral.  All actions have consequences.  We must not be afraid to stand behind that truth. -With kindness and healing, KP

I’m Sorry, My Friend.

Like, most people, I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook.  Social media can consume us with the desire to portray perfect, flawless lives.  It’s like a never ending high-school reunion where we are constantly worried about making sure we have somehow stacked up in the years after leaving (For all my high school classmates reading, rest assured, my life is still all over the place and I’m still neurotic.  I’d like to think, if anything, I’ve just gotten better about not trying to be a self-aggrandizing asshole.  Feel free to commence throwing cabbages.).  But, despite that, it allows for some great inspiration for writing.  I’ll see things posted on different news-feeds; articles, songs, images.  It’s like a never-ending inspiration spread.

A friend of mine posted a picture of the Third Eye Blind album cover, and after not having listened to them for years, I went and downloaded a few songs off iTunes.  Jumper still remains a great song, and in some ways I feel like it’s appropriate for some recent events.

I offer this piece up in apology to a friend:

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Dear friend,

I am so, so sorry.  I am sorry that I was not more caring of your condition earlier on, and although I thought I did my best to help you keep your head above water, I recognize in doing so, I was robbing you of the ability to learn how to swim.  Because what sort of friend would I be, if any time you had entered the water, I was there pulling you along?  You would never learn the sensation of keeping yourself afloat, never train your muscles to adapt to the strain, and in the event that you entered alone, or I let you go, you would falter and drown.  So, in that, I take full responsibility.  

My friend, you were callous and unkind to me; I know some of your unkindness comes from a place of pain and unhappiness within yourself.  I could hear it in your words as you found ways to belittle me, and while the words stung at the time, I know that it was your way of screaming that you were beginning to drown.  I forgive you.  I forgive you because I understand what it is like to be there, but I do not absolve you of the responsibility in knowing the truth that your actions–all of our actions–have consequences. 

Maybe we will talk and meet again someday.  Maybe we will have grown in different ways.  Maybe we will never speak again.  I just hope that you can put the past away. 

Always,

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– With kindness for all, KP