Why Into the Woods Matters

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Last night I went to the movies to see Into the Woods, which is based off Stephen Sondheim’s play of the same name.  For those who are unfamiliar with the title, it is a Broadway musical combining the stories of Little Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, Jack and the Beanstalk, Rapunzel, and a few other fairytale favorites with a serious twist.  Unlike the fairytales we all know through the Brothers Grimm or Disney, Sondheim’s characters experience major challenges and are forced to face the consequences of their actions and choices.  Essentially, it is a fairytale about the reality of human nature and the ambiguity of life.  Fast forwarding to the end: there is no “happily ever after.”  Much like in real life, there is just, “After.”

My first exposure to Into the Woods was my sophomore year in college when I was cast as “The Witch,” the seeimingly stereotypical ugly, old spinster of fairytales who seems to enjoy making life difficult for all around her so everyone else can experience her misery.  In the fairytales of my youth, the witch, much like other stock characters, is not explained or humanized.  She is flat and two-dimensional.  The stories of our youth never asked: what made her the way she is?  What more is there to this character?  Into the Woods changes that, and as the play progresses we begin to see the character take shape as a three-dimensional woman: someone who was wrongly robbed of her youth and who desperately wanted to love someone and be loved fully in return.

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She keeps her daughter, Rapunzel, locked in a tower with no doors or stairs, but when a Prince happens upon Rapunzel by chance, things begin to change.  Rapunzel is drawn to the Prince and wants to leave her mother’s safety.  When the witch finds out, she scolds Rapunzel angrily, saying, “Children should listen!”  And we really begin to see the character become human as she sings:

Don’t you know what’s out there in the world?
Someone has to shield you from the world.
Stay with me.

Princes wait there in the world, it’s true.
Princes, yes, but wolves and humans, too.
Stay at home.
I am home.

Stay with me,
The world is dark and wild.
Stay a child while you can be a child.

Although all of the songs in the show are of importance, a few really stand out as carriers of the central message: the world is dark and wild and full of humans and princes and wolves and wolves dressed in princes’ clothing. 

Often, Cinderella’a Prince (Prince Charming) is played by the same actor who plays the Big Bad Wolf, which really hammers the theme of the multiple ways evil masquerades as good; and even more than that, the ambiguity behind it.  Unfortunately, this was lost in the movie version.  Chris Pine played Cinderella’s Prince and Johnny Depp played the Wolf, and while I enjoyed Depp in the role, it watered down the true meaning of why the actor is supposed to be double-cast.  Cinderella’s Prince is charming and handsome, but he is also a lothario, unsatisfied by one woman and continuously searching for the next thrill.  However, as mentioned above, when Cinderella confronts him about his unfaithfulness, he does not lie to her–he tells her he thought he could be happy with her alone.  With this admission the character proves his own complexity because he willingly admits his wrong, and both part on their separate ways.  While the Prince is definitely not a character who displays positive traits like courage or integrity, he isn’t exactly a villain either, as he has no outright malicious designs.  He is simply a human motivated by his own selfish desires.

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Happily ever after?

The story of Cinderella and the Prince is important to Into the Woods because it takes the story and asks the real questions: exactly what WAS that fabled, “Happily Ever After”?  What did Cinderella and the Prince actually have in common?  What were their common interests?  Assuming Cinderella only received an education up to thirteen or so, what was her actual level of knowledge/cultural awareness?  Was she, as a simpleton, able to adapt to the Royal Family?  How did she and the Prince keep ‘the spark’ after those butterflies began to wear off?  Were they always faithful to one another?  What kind of a person was Cinderella and what kind of a person was the Prince?  What would have happened if one of them got sick or they had a child with a serious illness?  Would their marriage make it?  Although I, like many other little girls, enjoyed watching the Disney cartoon full of pretty gowns and singing mice, as an adult I recognize the poor message behind the story.  It basically tells children that someone will someday come along to rescue them (as long as they are pretty) and everything in life will then just magically go swimmingly.  They will be rescued from poverty, or from an abusive family, or from the boring hum-drum of their life.  This is a poor message to send to children; because the reality is that we are the only ones who can rescue ourselves, and more often than not, there is no “Happily ever after,” there is just  “After,” and it contains both happiness and sadness, good and bad times.

There is no prince; there are just humans.

***

The First Act ends with what we would normally call a “Happy Ending,” but even so it is left with some outstanding ambiguities.  The Second Act IS the play.  In the First Act, there is a narrator, who leaves clues to help guide the characters along, but he is killed at its end.  In the Second Act, the characters are left to fend for themselves, with no one to guide them.  People die, a major conflict arises, and we realize that there is neither a true protagonist nor a true antagonist.  Each character has experienced a shortfall in their moral foundation at some point: a little white lie, a lack of good judgement, deception, theft, unfaithfulness, selfishness.  The characters play the blame game for awhile until they realize in order to save themselves, they must forego the issue of “blame” and recognize they must do what is necessary to survive, and even that in itself will have consequences. Red Riding Hood tells Cinderella she is ashamed of her actions because she is about to kill a giant–who is a person, too–and Cinderella begins to sing another song central to the meaning of the play, “No One is Alone.”

The characters sing:

Witches can be right, giants can be good,

you decide what’s right, you decide what’s good.

Just remember someone is on your side,

Someone else is not.

Into the Woods is a poignant portrayal of human nature.  It takes the fairytales of our youth and transforms them into cautionary tales about the complexities of life.  It takes the two-dimensional characters of traditional stories and turns them into people.  Witches, wolves, and princes all become the same thing: HUMAN.  Although I enjoyed Into the Woods when I was younger, as I have gotten older and experienced more in my own life, the messages and emotions behind everything in the play become much more clear and apparent.  It is a dark story, but it is not one completely without hope.  All characters go through major transformations and grow from the hardships they endure.  Most importantly, they learn compassion toward others from their own personal challenges, and indeed they do learn that in life, no one is alone.

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Wishes come true, not free.

***

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KP circa 2010 (in the center)

-KP out

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The Irony of Intolerant Tolerance

 

 

 

 

 

So I just ate a bag of chocolate–ok, not the whole bag, but I definitely just ate a whole bunch of chocolate, and it was delicious.  And it kind of went like this, minus the throwing-up-on-the-carpet-part:

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I really just wanted to share that picture with you all.

Anyhow!  Good evening and Weirdmaste to all!  A friend posted a “weirdmaste” image on Facebook recently and I thought that it was pretty spectacular, because I am all about honoring the weird here at KP.  I mean, one of my childhood heroes was Weird Al Yankovic.  Let’s be honest—UHF should have won an Academy Award for awesome (and if you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it).

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It’s time to spin the Wheel of Fiiiiissshhhhh!!!!

But I digress.  Actually, I wanted to touch on a more serious topic tonight; Facebook is an interesting animal.  Most of us use it to showcase the positive aspects of our lives: travel, engagements, weddings, children, pets, how we didn’t get fat after high school, how awesome and perfect our lives are–spoiler: they’re usually not as exciting and perfect as we try to make them out to be…and maybe we only take carefully angled pictures and use Instagram to filter out the wrinkles (and adult acne, for some of us).

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But we can also use Facebook to spread information.  This can be a good or a bad thing, depending on the information itself.  In certain areas of the world where information is limited to the general public by government, the advent of social media has proved to be a highly effective way for connecting and furthering causes, such as the push for civil rights in Middle Eastern countries.

Facebook also allows us to see many different opinions, and this is where the topic for tonight’s entry comes into play; the irony of intolerant tolerance.  I claim to be a highly tolerant person; I think all humans deserve to be treated with equal respect, regardless of gender identity, race, age, nationality, body type, etc.  However, I still find myself critical of others at times, and I know part of learning to be tolerant is allowing others to be who they are, even if I don’t agree (although some people…just, no):

 

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Give me back my rainbow, damnit!!

I’ll never forget, I knew two people who had a very tumultuous relationship because one was Catholic and the other was Protestant.  As someone who doesn’t follow any set religion, I didn’t understand why the two had such a difficult time, because I thought it was silly to be so divided on what I considered “trivial” issues.  One day, while on my soap-box of “How-I-am-right-and-you-are-silly-and-your -problems-are-silly-because-I-don’t-understand-you,” the girl looked at me and said, “You know what I really dislike?  Non-religious people telling religious people how they should think or feel.”  And she had every right to say that.  I had no right to lecture her on my beliefs.  People are entitled to believe what they want, and as long as we are not harming others or supporting causes that harm others, etc, we should be free to our own beliefs.

100% absolute tolerance might not be a completely achievable goal, but as long as we are actively working toward a greater understanding of others, we will progress as a human society.  We can practice tolerance by stepping outside ourselves and trying to see things from another’s point of view.

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Thoughts?

Reflections from a Failure

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I started this blog in 2011 because I had experienced something which, at the time, was traumatic.  I was also experiencing high levels of stress at work and had forgotten how to use creative outlets to reconnect with the world.  It’s very interesting to look back on the last three years and see how I have grown, what lessons I have learned, and recognizing that life is very cyclical.

Writing has always been an important part of my life, and it is only recently that I have begun to share that with the world.  I don’t think anything I write is exceptionally special or earth-shattering, but I realized that the reason I was reading books wasn’t only for the sake of reading a book; it was because I was trying to connect with what the author was really trying to say.  I don’t think writing is necessarily a choice; it’s more of a compulsion.  Anyway, what I’m really trying to say here is that I write because I hope that someone stumbling upon this diary can find some solace in the words of a stranger, and to know that as humans we are really very interconnected.  It’s scary and intimidating to lay your inner thoughts on the line, but this isn’t about showcasing emotions like cakes in a bakery display; it’s for those that need the connection.  Somewhere, someone has felt like you.  Maybe I have felt like you–maybe you have felt like me.

I was inspired by author Jo Coudert’s book, Advice from a Failure, when I wrote this journal entry.  I offer up my reflections to anyone else who has felt something similar at some point.

***

11/10/14

I have searched and cried and prayed, and whatever god exists, exists without bias, and without human mind.  At least without a human mind that my simple one can comprehend.  Instead, there is a god–maybe like the ‘god of small things’–who exists somewhere deep inside.  “Here am I,” it says, small and far away.

And here am I, small, and tiny, and afraid.  My tiny life is no greater, and no less than any other tiny life in this world.  And maybe I have failed, maybe I have failed countless times.  I have failed to be so many things, and to have met so many expectations, and I have failed to have continued to see the Way.

Maybe I failed because I wasn’t small and neatly packaged enough.  Maybe I failed because I came with too many stipulations and too much necessity for compromise.  Maybe I failed because I was not strong enough or maybe because I was too strong at times.  Maybe I failed because when I was rejected and turned away I could not leave well enough alone with dignity.  Maybe I failed because I wasn’t something else entirely.

But I am this thing; I have always been this, and to deny it is to deny myself.  And if all else changed in the blink of an eye, I would be left with just this.

It is not love to deny the self, or to feel quashed and trapped because of the desire to quell the self for another.  It is not love to deny what we are.  So, to stop pursuing love is to find it.  To find it in those who have always loved us, despite our faults.  To find it in the small acts of kindness we ourselves can attempt to offer, the compassion we can attempt to give.  In the ability to look at our fellow man and not judge his or her shortcomings, but to feel only compassion and empathy for all who suffer from this human condition.

And, finally, to hear the voice that says, “Here am I,” far away in the depths within, and to answer, “Here I am, I will never leave.”

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In Dreams Begin Responsibilities

Recently, I started reading Haruki Murakami’s Kafka on the Shore, and, as always, he doesn’t disappoint.  What I like best about Murakami’s writing is that it is filled with philosophic, historic, artistic, and musical references.  Somehow he is able to take things that have struck a chord with him in his own life and apply them to his writing.  His works are also usually laden with psychology woven into them, and subsequently open to interpretation.  Sometimes his concepts are strange, but he is able to showcase the human experience very well, and in my opinion it is by the open-ended aspects and the non-definitive.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of thinking recently, reflecting on my experiences the past year up till now, and a certain part of the book really resonated with me.  One of the main characters, a boy who calls himself “Kafka,” is staying at his friend’s isolated cabin, which is filled only with survival necessities and books.  Kafka begins to read a book about a Nazi war criminal, Adolf Eichmann, who was tasked to find the “final solution” for the Jews.  Eichmann was very systematic about it, considering financial costs, the cheapest methods for the transportation and disposal of human bodies.  He was given a situation and mapped out the best possible, practical way to complete the task.  The shocking part is that Eichmann never questioned the morality of any of it, and when he was tried as a war criminal he was lost and confused.  He was just following orders; he was just being a good officer.  The boy, Kafka, finds a note his friend has penciled in the book.  It reads:

“It’s all a question of imagination.  Our responsibility begins with the power to imagine.  It’s just like Yeats said: In dreams begin responsibilities.  Flip this around and you could say where there’s no power to imagine, no responsibility can arise.  Just like we see with Eichmann.”

I thought about this and I realized this concept is a major part of understanding the human condition.  Not everyone shares the same reality.  Our reality is shaped by our own consciousness; this may very well explain the source of all human suffering.  With regard to relationships this can be expressed as: Not everyone views love the same way.  We can beat ourselves up time and time again, we can cling to the past and think of the should’ve-would’ve-could’ves, or we can cut ties with those who have hurt us and accept that the way to heal is to just leave and move on.  Because people experience reality in different ways, we can not expect them to suddenly see and understand our reality.  There are people who will never see things from our point of view.  There are people who will never know how cruel they have been to us.  And it’s not our responsibility to tell them time and time how they hurt us and expect them to magically turn into someone else.

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In Kafka on the Shore, the concepts of God and Karma are very present.  They tie into everything; our relationships included.  Two quotes that have struck me are:

“If you think God’s there, He is. If you don’t, He isn’t. And if that’s what God’s like, I wouldn’t worry about it.” 

“Even chance meetings are the result of karma… Things in life are fated by our previous lives. That even in the smallest events there’s no such thing as coincidence.” 

I don’t know if I believe that everything is fated, or even what really exists within the universe, but I know that if we shape our realities from our own consciousness, while I have the faculty to see what would be poor choices for my physical and mental well-being, I am going to try and make the wisest decisions I can.  I am not going to worry about the choices of others.  Maybe my suffering in this life is caused from some karmic debt, maybe not.  Regardless, when it comes to people who treat me poorly, I will do what I know to be the wisest decision in this life I live now:  I will let them go completely.  

If a person treats us poorly, it is their karma, not ours.

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Sorry, I’ve Just Been Busy Getting Abducted by Aliens.

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So KP is finally writing again after the usual drop-off-the-face-of-the-earth hiatus.  This time around, I wanted to share an important life lesson that has kicked me a few times.  Unfortunately, I suffer from the curse of she-who-shall-be-a-people-pleaser-until-the-end.  This is THE WORST stance to take with ANYONE, so I hope this can be a lesson to others who may stumble across this blog.

I want to talk about the concept of being “busy.”  You know, that bullshit excuse we all use for why we didn’t call, why we didn’t accomplish some set task, why we didn’t do x,y, or z.  I HATE this excuse.  I’m not saying I’m not guilty of it myself (I have definitely fallen back on this before), but I think we might want to consider telling people the truth instead of keeping them on a hook.  I also think most of us have been on the other side of that, too, where we are the ones being blown off.  So, in an effort to clear up what constitutes legitimate “busy-ness” and what constitutes “bullshit,” I have put together the following:

LEGITIMATE BUSY SITUATIONS

1. Alien Abductions.

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Because those extraterrestrials have a whole bunch of dissecting to accomplish and gene-altering tests to administer, the alien abductee may have good reason to not return calls and/or texts.  Busy level: 7

2. Being chased by tigers

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Few things top good old basic survival.  Getting chased and/or mauled by tigers and figuring out how to somehow escape and survive might cause someone to be unable to reach their cell phone for an extended period of time, so don’t worry, they will probably call you as soon as they figure out how to get out of the situation alive.  Busy level: 8

3. Getting attacked by sea monsters

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The sea is a place that harbors many-a-mystery, and sometimes some of those mysteries want to eat your ship and everyone onboard.  If you are lucky enough to be onboard a vessel with weapons, expect it to be an all-hands evolution to fight off the beast from the deep.  If your sailor isn’t e-mailing you back in a timely manner, don’t worry, he or she is probably just fighting off gigantic sea monsters.  Busy level: 8

4. Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin fighting off a grizzly bear in “The Edge.”

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Alec Baldwin is usually busy leaving his daughter angry voicemails about not having her phone turned on, and then Anthony Hopkins is busy just trying to figure out who to eat for dinner next.  Coupled together and lost in the Alaskan wilderness, trying to ward off a grizzly bear who has been stalking them for days, these two experience some pretty epic levels of busy-ness.   Throw in the fact that they don’t have a working phone between them let alone drinkable water or shelter, these two present a pretty unbeatable standard of preoccupied.  Busy level: 9

5. Being Joe Biden

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If you are dating Joe Biden, don’t worry, the man doesn’t even have enough time to drink and clap separately.  Busy level: 10++

NON-LEGITIMATE BUSY SITUATIONS

Everything else.

 

EVERYONE HAS TIME IF THEY CHOOSE TO HAVE TIME.  If they’re using the busy excuse it’s because they’re basically telling you: you/your issue is NOT a priority to them.

Specifically with regard to relationships, I have fallen for the “busy” trap before.  BUSY IS NOT AN EXCUSE, I REPEAT, BUSY IS NOT AN EXCUSE!  It’s a polite way to say “You are not important to me.”  I think we all want to do our best and make people like us/want to be around us/realize how awesome we are by giving them as much as we can, but when someone starts using the four letters B-U-S-Y on a regular basis, it is time to run in the opposite direction.

They’re not busy, they’re just full of shit.  And hell, even Joe Biden has time to take selfies.

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-KP out!

Historical Selfies, LOL Feminism. Give me tuna instead!

I love the internet.  Seriously, I always wish we could bring back famous dead people and see what their reaction would be/how they would handle the internet.  I can just imagine Napoleon Buonaparte taking selfies or posting in an online dating forum.

LonelyinElba4U- online now!

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 Likes: attempting to conquer large European nations, standing with hand in front of shirt, posing dramatically on horses for paintings

Looking for: That one special lady who can handle a whole lot of dynamite packed into all 5’6” of this love machine.  Must be clean, non-smoker, like dogs, okay with living in exile for long periods of time, and being with a man who knows how to lay down the law–that’s right baby, as in my very own Napoleonic Code 😉  Hit me up if you’re interested!

 

This site can be credited for the awesome Napoleon selfie!

Or what if famous historical people could ask for dating/marriage advice?  Anne Boleyn writes to dating coach Evan Mark Katz for advice:

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Dear Evan,

My husband recently became very withdrawn and non-affectionate since the birth of our daughter, Elizabeth.  Where he was once all over me and daresay I, a touch “handsy,” now he avoids me like the Bubonic Plague!  I am doing my best to make him see me in the same light he did before I had the baby….and  I know he MUST love me, I mean, the man BASICALLY caused a schism in the entire fabric of the Church in our country because he wanted to divorce his wife before me (she just didn’t “get” him, but I know I’m special!  He’s TOLD me so like, a gazillion times!).  It’s just so hard to keep a man hooked when you have all these 14-year olds prime and ready for the picking around here!  Please help me, Evan!

-Losing My Head

Dear Losing My Head,

Your husband sounds like he is the classic emotionally unavailable man, and it sounds like he just isn’t doing what he needs to do on HIS part to keep you happy in the relationship!  Remember, the best kinds of relationships are built on mutual love, respect, and trust.  If he isn’t showing you these then you might want to think of leaving for someone who can better fulfill your needs, otherwise, his emotional unavailability might really cause you to ‘Lose Your Head.’

-EMK

***

Switching gears, you know who also would do REALLY awesome on the internet?  Abraham Lincoln.  As this site points out, Lincoln was actually the original hipster.   Think about it: Lincoln would have been all over his own blog or website.  He was tall, lanky, moody, and had his own fashion sense.  

From the Hipster Lincoln on Tumblr:

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Okay, okay, so now digressing to the other part of this post.  So we’ve established the internet is fantastic and everyone who never had the ability to watch the Hampster Dance or Nyan Cat  just because they HAPPENED to have died before it was fully realized into its current state of awesomeness really missed out, there’s also SO much epic fail.

I’m not a fan of the hate of (insert any type of group here).  Recently I guess there’s been all this hoopla over the Fat Acceptance Movement?  It makes me think of this (except in reverse, I guess?  I have no idea):

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Except, lezz be real, because I think the REAL issue is THIS:

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All right people, let’s get real here.  These are some serious pugs who will develop some major body image issues so we need to just back off and let them be free.  Pugs gotta do their thang!

Can we just accept that humans have bodies and some bodies are bigger or smaller than other bodies or different colors and with more or less fingers or have tiger tattoos everywhere and people can be attracted to what they want to be attracted to??. No one is wrong for “having curves” or being “stick thin” or super muscular or whatever! Let’s just stop hating on x as opposed to y. Fit people, go bust out another set of reps instead of hating on bigger people. Bigger people, just do your thing and don’t listen to the haters. Skinny people keep on being skinny with your crazy fast metabolisms that make me jealous. Tiger man, you do you, boo boo.

UnknownAnd that’s okay, and yes, healthy lifestyles are encouraged but can we please get past the hating on people too thin/fat/feline?  Because I know for me sometimes I’m really all about fitness (like 2 Hours in the gym a day!), and sometimes I’m really all about sitting on my couch and eating pop-tarts and watching bad horror movies and Forensic files and it goes in cycles and I do what I feel like I need to do at the time. And the good news is big people can get smaller and small people can get bigger and tiger man can get even more tiger and it’s all going to be okay in the end!

Also, apparently another thing to hate on right now is feminism, because who doesn’t love to hate on human rights?  Well, don’t worry, I’ve got a site that explains EXACTLY why we don’t need feminism:

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Go home, internet, you’re drunk.  Where is my tuna?  Here’s a selfie of Bill Clinton (someone who actually isn’t dead yet who really appreciates the internet!).

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-KP out!

 

It’s Not You, It’s Them. Yes, It’s Definitely Them.

Guess who’s back?  That’s right, it’s taken me a good while to get my life together out here in beautiful Hawaii but KP is finally back and writing.  These past seven months have been incredibly trying, and I’ve learned quite a bit about myself.  In summary:

1. My 12 week program was a crash-and-burn once I hit Hawaii.  First 6 weeks were great, but life lesson learned: don’t enter into an extensive diet/exercise/fitness program that requires long workouts, very low calorie meals, and very limited foods while in a transition phase.  It simply doesn’t work.  You need to be in a set routine for it to be effective.  Moving is not the best time to do this.

2. New jobs can cause unique stresses.

3. People are stupid.

That’s right people, for tonight’s installment of whatever-I-feel-like-writing-about, I bring you, KP’S DATE FROM HEEEEELLLL!!!!  Cue Vincent Price entrance with appropriately creepy theme-song!  I was pretty miserable over the breakup of my relationship for quite a long time, and I blamed myself for its failure.  However, it took a recent experience to really open my eyes to this fact: It’s not you, it’s them.

Recently, I went out with this guy I met online.  Now, I don’t want to knock online dating because I know some people who it’s really worked out for.  However, I automatically assume everyone on the internet is cat-phishing or a serial killer.  YOU DON’T KNOW WHO IS SITTING ON THE OTHER END OF THAT COMPUTER.  End of story.  Well, I met Mike, and he seemed like your run-of-the-mill-weirdo that you find online.  Okay, cool.  Great, it’s going to be true love.  I tell Mike we can meet for coffee, because I need a quick exit in case he’s 30 lbs heavier in person, or you know, he tells me he fantasizes about wearing my skin or something like that (ala Buffalo Bill).

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Anyway, we meet, and he’s pretty weird in person, too, but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and not be overly judgmental (note: if you get the feeling in your gut something’s up, you’re probably right).  Mike made a pretty big mistake (well, he made a few big mistakes) on date #1: he didn’t ask for my last name to put in his phone when he got my number.  That automatically alerts me that something’s up.  Like, don’t you want to know who I am?? I could have a criminal record or I could be a crazy internet stalker (cue overly-enthusiastic Justin Bieber fan girl).

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I should’ve asked for his right then and there, but I wasn’t sure if maybe these days asking for a last name is like, a major milestone in a relationship?  You know, somewhere after the decision to be monogamous, but before you’re boyfriend/girlfriend?  I have no idea.  So then Mike begins the text-a-thon.  Gentlemen: DON’T TEXT GOOD MORNING AFTER THE FIRST DATE.  IT’S CREEPY!!!  Like, whoa give the person a chance to breathe!  This guy was all kinds of up-in-my grill.  Also, STOP. ASKING. WHAT. I’M. DOING. EVERY. FIVE. MINUTES.  “Whatcha doin’?”  I’M SITTING HERE WATCHING FORENSIC FILES PICKING MY NOSE AND THIS IS HOW I’M GOING TO REMAIN FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT SO JUST STOP.  His attempts to get me to come over were pretty transparent, so what do you do with a creeper who is trying to creep?  You creep on back!  Example:

Mike: “You’re so beautiful and intelligent.”

Me: “Aww, I’ll bet you say that to all the girls you meet on the internet.”

Mike: “Too bad you’re all the way over in (town name here), all by yourself and scared.”

Me: “Nah, I’m not scared.  I got my discount ginsu knives for protection.  I’m also thinking about investing in some brass knuckles.”

Still, I wanted to give him one more chance.  So we agreed to meet for dinner.  And I had a nice time, he was slightly less weird, but still weird.  He had this thing about infidelity, saying how he was very anti-infidelity.  Well, I don’t know if there’s this weird human thing where people like to think that the more they say something, it must be true (even if it really isn’t).  Kind of like if you know you’re not really a good singer, the louder you sing you think you can fool people into thinking you’re actually a good singer?  So I’m pretty suspicious, and I ask for his last name.  HE STILL DOESN’T ASK FOR MINE.  RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG.  So the date comes to an end and we say our goodbyes, he says he thinks we should go hiking on Saturday.  Okay, Mike.  Sounds great, will the third date be the charm for when you finally ask for my last name and don’t make me feel like just a name in your creepy phonebook of first names?  I get home and immediately commence appropriate google and Facebook stalking.  Sure enough, he comes up.  No criminal record, okay, check.  However, his Facebook profile picture is definitely of him and another girl, holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes lovingly.  I find her name and click on it, and her profile picture is of the two of them.  I’m not even mad, I’m honestly  laughing at this point.  Like, are people THAT STUPID?  So I text him what’s up, and he proceeds to tell me they broke off the engagement “well over a month ago,” except not, because, thanks Facebook for date and time stamps, because less than a month ago he writes, “So happy I’ve found the love of my life!”  WHAT.  WHAT.  CUE ALL WHITE GIRLS HERE AND LET’S GET A COLLECTIVE: I CAN’T EVEN.  

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He told me he couldn’t prove that their engagement was off and that contacting her to change things “would just cause more problems.”   Riiiiiiiiiiight.  Because what female in her right mind would keep a profile picture up of your stupid ass if she broke off an engagement with you AND broke up with you?  Just for shits and giggles?  Hey everyone, remember the time I almost married THAT asshole?  Yeah me, too!  Hold on, let me constantly remind myself of how much he sucked by keeping our picture up!  LOLS!!!

Needless to say, Mike and I did not go hiking, and he still doesn’t know my last name (thankfully).

Moral of the story (well, there are a few):

1. The internet is f*cking WEIRD.

2. Gentlemen: if you want to be shady and have a jump-off or a side dish, for god’s sake change the professionally done engagement photo profile picture of you and her.

3. Most importantly: IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S THEM.  IT’S DEFINITELY THEM.  How someone can sit across from you at a dinner table and tell you they have issues with infidelity and then you find out they’re married/engaged/in a serious relationship–IT’S 100% THEM!!!  They’re nuts!!!  

People, look up Occam’s Razor, in the most basic sense it’s a way of deciding between theories–basically the path of least resistance is usually the right one, or whichever way causes less assumptions is usually the truth.  So I could assume this guy is just a cheater and lying.  Or I could assume that he “doesn’t really use his Facebook and just kept up the profile picture because he didn’t really give a crap” and I could just assume that the reason HER profile picture is still of them post-engagment/relationship breakup is because she’s dead or abducted by aliens or converted to the Amish faith and believes the internet will steal her soul so she doesn’t use a computer anymore and it’s the 2nd Tuesday of the month which means half-off on Tacos at the Taco Shack down the road.  Ooooooookaaaaaaaaayy!

As silly as this whole thing was, it made me realize, my ex was going to treat me badly regardless of how pretty/intelligent/unique/whatever I was.  People will treat you how they treat you based on their own selfish desires.   It has NOTHING to do with you, so if someone isn’t treating you how you feel you deserve to be treated (with respect, love, and dignity), LEAVE THEIR SORRY ASS!!

 

-KP out!